Empty-Minded Girl

She sat beside me, silent, for a very long time.  It wasn’t until I was satisfied with a stopping place in my book that I turned my attention to her.  She stared at me with unblinking determined eyes.  After she ran a hand through her short hair, she asked, “Why are you ignoring me?”

“I was busy.  I have a lot going on right now,” I answered.

Her face was like porcelain, hard and surreal; the face I see in my nightmares.  “You’ve always had a lot ‘going on’.  Now is no different from before.  Put down the book and come with me.”

“I can’t.  I don’t want to.  Now it’s different.  I’m different.  Things are going really well and I plan on keeping it that way.”

“It always goes well — for a while…  But everything will come crashing down as it always does.  That’s why I’m here.  I’m here to help.  I’m here to make sure you survive.”  Her face softened and she grinned.  She seemed warm then, inviting, comforting.

I looked over her tight black outfit and many silver rings; an old brown sack of a bag rested beside her.  She was an attractive, goth-inspired  young woman.  She seemed to go from emanating an aura of intimidation to an embracing warmth.  She crossed her legs a couple times, fished a lighter from one pocket, a cigarette from another and sucked the flame into it.  Even the smoke was inviting.

It was difficult, but I forced my gaze to the book in my hands.  I wanted this woman to leave.  I wanted her to disappear.  But she didn’t.  My peripheral vision saw her black form close in upon me.  Her breath was hot on my neck.  Into my ear, she whispered, “You need me.  We’ll be happy and carefree.  I’ll be here for you, taking care of you, like I always have.  Live.  Live again.  With me.  Through me.”

Part of me wanted to cry.

Most of me didn’t.

I sat up straight and pulled my long hair back, tying it in place with a band.  I picked up my purse and looped the strap over my shoulder.  I lifted the book from my lap and smoothed out my skirt.  Little actions that build confidence.  I stared into her unblinking eyes.

“I’m different.  I’ve grown up.  I have responsibilities now.  Things really are going well and always will unless I give up; and I won’t give up.  My life is right where I want it.  I’m not content anymore — I’m happy.  Really happy.”  The nightmarish face on the woman was no longer smiling.  “I don’t need you any longer.  I don’t need to be young and carefree.  I’m moving on.  I’m done with you.  I’m strong and can take care of myself.”

I rose and smoothed the back of my blouse and skirt and walked away from the empty bench.

______________________________________________________________________________

I am different from the “me” of years past.  All my experiences, good and bad, have evolved me into the woman I am today.  And I am happy.  Finally.

April 30 at 6:45PM.  That’s the date and time of my marriage.  We eloped to Cleveland (we’ll be having a real wedding once I’m done with school in a couple years) and enjoyed a fantastic weekend at a B&B where we were treated like royalty.  Due to school obligations, we only had that quick weekend to celebrate instead of a lengthy honeymoon.  But, we had some more celebrating from this past Thursday until today.  We saw Mr. Gnome perform in Indianapolis and dealt with some “friends” from Jack’s past who were there; it was unpleasant.  Then, we spent two and a half days in Louisville.  Wicked, IMAX, and Mexican food!  It was wonderful to play dress-up for an event again.

Our real honeymoon/vacation isn’t until mid-June because of issues with work, so much going on with school right now as well exams coming up.  Two weeks in LA & Palm Springs should be loads of fun.  And if I get my way, we’ll get to stay at a “clothing optional” resort and spa.  I think I can talk him into it.

The only downer of sorts right now is having to spend so much time corresponding with a scrub at work every-single-day.  Why?  He’s my replacement.  My workplace plus home plus school plus me equals too much.  Right now, home and school is more important and my work doesn’t want to deal with the “burdens” of my commitments.   But it’s not a bad thing.  My bank account plus Jack’s job makes for a great immediate future.

So, how about that future?
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been bidding on a few houses.  We’re yet to win the game, damnit!  I personally would like to have a new home built but he’s very anti-new house.  We should have a home of our own soon though.  If we don’t have one by the end of summer, I’ll lie to him and drop an untouchable amount to ensure we have one by autumn.

I’ve chosen to not take many classes during the summer quarter.  Of course, with some influence, that could change.  I’m easily persuaded.  As it stands, I’ll be in the final two terms of French and some more Communications.  The summer time that I’m free of school means more time to be a housewife.  It’s fantastic.

We’re back to trying for a baby.  While we aren’t going the extreme of sex six times a day like before, I am doing all but standing on my head and demanding the seed to plant itself.  Due to school, we’re on a schedule.  If I’m not pregnant by the end of June, we’ll be back to rubbers and pulling out.  That way, if I do have a baby, I’ll be able to make it back into the Spring quarter.  If not, we’ll repeat the process according to the upcoming schedules.  Huh… — working a pregnancy around school.  There was a time that I’d do anything to have a child.  Now, I’m being responsible.  It’s nice to be a grown up.

It’s funny, being married now.  Despite this being the same guy I’ve laid beside for so many years, it feels so much better now.  He’s warmer and softer.  When we cuddle, we seem to link together better.  When he lifts me off the ground, it feels like I’m soaring despite being inches away.  His lips seem softer; he says the same of mine.  Our sex feels more right, more real.  When he smiles at me I can actually feel it within me.  When our hands are together, I can feel our pulses sync up faster than before.
I’ve loved him for years but it never felt quite as beautiful as it does now that we share gold rings.

I’ve changed, evolved.  I’m a much different, much better person today than I was in years past.  That carefree girl has left.  I’m the better for it.
I’m in love and loved.  I’m someone special’s wife.
I’m happy.

And this is Empty-Minded Girl’s final blog.  No more sharing of my personal life and intimate details.  My life is officially bonded with another and has become ever-more precious to me.
It’s not just about privacy.  It’s about knowing me.  I no longer feel the need to share myself with unseen people.  I’m an open book to my friends and family, not to strangers.  Not any longer.

I’m not gone for good on the creepy internet.  I hope to update my gaming blog (Alese’s Playground) one day.   I’ve not had time to be a nerd-girl for some time but with the new life ahead of me, I hope to get back to more serious/scheduled gaming (I’ll toss an update on that blog ASAP).  I’ll also probably continue updating my Pages here, Music/Photos.

So, that’s that.

Adieu à la vieille, bonjour à l’avenir et un nouveau commencement.